I Need Your Love
Song fic by Youko_Gingitsune
It's raining; the street is empty, with no humans walking around. It's so... peaceful, don't you think so?
The rain is runing all over my body, caressing my face as I rise it to the dark sky, trying to wash out the pain that I have to bear; the loneliness, the emptiness...
I keep on walking, slowly, ever so slowly... I don't want to get there yet, want to at the same time. Someone is waiting me but all I want now is to be alone; that someone is worried about me and I don't want to hurt her, so I keep on walking...
Since the day you left me,
Nothin's really been the same.
Oh, how I need that lovin' now,
How I wish you'd call my name.
After you went to Makai she got married; now I have a stepfather and a stepbrother. They are living with us in the house and maybe we will move to a bigger and more comfortable one, but I don't want to! And yet some times I do want to; crave for it, in fact...
I don't want to go home; act as though everything is perfect and then go there, to my room, because...
I can feign perfect normalcy before the others; I can play the perfect role of 'Shuuichi Minamino'. I will just smile and act polite to them, and no one will ever suspect... that I miss you... It's so easy; just another mask, just like all the other ones I have used all my life...
They think they know me, but they do not; they think what I want them to think about me. It's so easy, my masquerade, like the ones that I have used all my life, beginning with her, my mother. She thinks lovingly about me as her perfect and caring son; knows more about me than I think she does, yet at the same time nothing at all. She doesn't know... The thing is that she sees me as 'Shuuichi', but Shuuichi doesn't exist; so she knows me, Kurama, a youko with more than a thousand years to his age, yet she doesn't know she does, because she isn't even aware that 'I' exist. But she has her glimpses... I feel myself her son even though I'm not Shuuichi and she doesn't have 'her' son. And I know that's all my fault, so I do the best I can to give her that son, to make her happy... to pay her back...
My friends; my dear friends. Even though they know who I really am, they don't know me and maybe they sense that too... but... what should I do? Let them see 'me'? when I've been hidden myself within stone for more than a millennium...? or maybe hidden behind a big emptiness that I created as my 'heart' because of the lack of it. Because 'life' made me lose it... Soulless, because my soul was banished from my body at the same time of my heart or whatever was within me was, leaving just remains, and those remains can do nothing to change this. It was something I used to have; something I used to use. I risked it and as a result lost it.
And in turn I cry away the night,
I lay dreamless ev'ryday.
If only I had understood
The reason why you went away...
You know, sometimes I feel the others looking at me in a weird way... Genkai, Koenma, Yuusuke... even you do it, too.
I still remember the time when we fought that creature. It hurt you badly, and I was mad. I felt angry with that thing, with myself, and with you too. So I just let it play with me a bit, making him think that he was winning; I could hear Yuusuke's screams as I let myself get hurt. At that second it thought it had gotten me and I could see in his eyes; the same glimpse I saw when he hurt you. It wanted to kill me and was enjoying it, but that joy didn't last much. I retreated and took some seeds in my hands, summoning my rose whip and some Makai grass shuriken, incredibly sharp with poison in the tips. You should have seen it, the joy transformed in anger and then to utter fear; I could feel the fear the monster was feeling in each one of my pores; I could smell the sweet aroma of it's dread. The creatures eyes showed me just how frightened it was and I was enjoying each second of it's pain and agony. I remember that perfectly. I was breathing hard after I killed it. I let it fall back, it's body almost unrecognisable; then walked some steps back, till where you were and kneeled in front of you and began to check on your wounds, the ones caused by that damn bastard, the ones that should have been in me if you hadn't thrown himself over me in that second...
After I finished with you I took care of Yuusuke's wounds, he said nothing about that, just complained that I should take care of mine's first, thinking I haven't seen that expression of total horror when he was still contained by that powerful barrier that didn't let him in, as I tortured that bastard to death. Just when we were about to separate, he to his home, me to mine, he told me, 'Just remind me never to anger you,' with that smile on his lips before he left.
You see, he saw a glimpse; and he got frightened, but he's different and 'understood'. That, or he didn't want to know. But you; you are different because you are like me... that youkai soul inside the both of us.
And now you have left, leaving me alone again; alone with myself and with my loneliness. I don't want it; why did you leave? For power? Is all that you think about?
And I see what this has done to me,
I can feel the pain and misery.
If only you had made it clear to me,
Then your dreams would have meant
much more to me...
When you left, when you told me you where leaving; going to Makai to train with Mukuro, that that way you'd become more powerful, that nothing would hurt again... You told me to go to Makai with you, to leave this world behind. To go with you... But couldn't you see that that was impossible!? Couldn't you see!?
You'd been summoned by Mukuro. You didn't know anything about her, didn't even know that Mukuro was a 'she'! You knew nothing, but I did... do. I was summoned by Yomi, and I had to go. I had to but you couldn't understand! I couldn't tell you! I had to go to him because I owed him a debt, a debt nobody knew about; the only ones who did are dead...
I couldn't trust Yomi then, I didn't know what was about to happen that day I meet him again after so long, and I knew that he knew what I had done to him. No, I couldn't risk you, and I couldn't go with you for two powerful reasons. I had to go with Yomi. If I had gone with you, the most sure thing would have been that Yomi would have sent his people to look for me. And the moment I was discovered with Mukuro, war would have been the only possible outcome.
And the main reason: my mother, Shiori. The ningen woman whose fetus I stole, and with that her son... It wasn't the only thing I stole, that day I installed my soul inside her womb; I stole the love she had for her real son and she gave it to me, in all its entirety. I didn't care at the beginning, didn't give a damn about it the first years of my life as Shuuichi. I could see her pain when I refused her and felt nothing about it then, but... Little by little, just with the patience and love that only a real mother can have, she approached me, slowly winning me over, winning my trust and soon something else... and then I was stuck with the realization that I cared for that human when she hurt herself trying to protect me, a low-life thief that stole her son from her. And since then I began doing things for her, like smiling to her more often, even though it wasn't a real smile most of time, taking her hand each time she wanted me to. I didn't reject her presence or hands anymore. She felt happy, and I, for some reason I didn't recognize, did too. She made me 'feel', she made me know that the soul I thought I had lost a long time ago was still there, deeply hidden; a faint and shy and hurt one but it was still there. She had picked up the pieces she found in her way carefully and treasured it and took care of it for me.
Ah, Hiei, she means a lot to me, and leaving her would be the last thing I would do. I don't want to hurt her; she doesn't deserve that. And then, as you say, she's just a ningen, how long will she live? Just a few decades more. Just that. Couldn't you wait?
Don't you see how difficult it is for me to accept my feelings? Don't you see how difficult is for me to be myself in front of someone? Even if it's a little little bit? Do you think that you are the only one that is afraid of that? Afraid of showing your feelings? Well, it's not that way! Do you have the least idea of how much it took me to realize that I loved you!? And to accept it!? Do you have the at least idea!? No you don't!!
Refrain:
And as I think of all the days,
When feeling great meant
one embrace...
I long to have you here.
I need your love.
She showed me; she showed me again how it was to care, to feel that way and accept it. I could say that she's the main reason for what we have... had...
Do you know when I realized that I felt 'something' for you? It was even her fault... when I betrayed you to use the mirror of darkness to save her life, betraying you, it hurted, and it wasn't supposed to hurt.
And then, some months later, the next day after the ankoku bujutsukai I told you... I was afraid, so hesitant. It's like that; I can be so confindent in my actions, but my feelings, they are something completely apart. They are so mine, so damn private. I thought they were gone, dead, taken away so long ago, and I didn't want to feel that way again.
You have at least an idea of how much I love you. If Shiori recollected the pieces of my broken soul, you made them bright; gave them life again, each one of your kisses feeding it...
Chorus:
No, I don't need your fame and fortune,
I don't need that now.
I need your love, I need your love...
No, I don't need your glory,
I don't need (that/your) famous bow.
I need your love...
It's been almost two years since we parted; now you are a powerful and respected general of Mukuro's troops. Are you happy now? No you aren't, and that makes me feel even more miserable. I know that you almost died, but why!? You know you have me! You're not alone! But did you know that!? What the hell did you think when...!? Ah, Hiei, but you are alive, and I have some of my men looking after you. Not exactly mine; they are Yomi's men but they are under my orders and no one would dare lift a finger against me. You know, there's a rumor here that says that I killed Yomi's second in command and that then I took his place... It's true.
I said that the best we could do was at least have checked the 'enemy's' movements. It worked out.
Ah, two years is almost nothing to us youkai, ne? But for me it has been like a hundred years. But I keep on waiting for you, Hiei, even after all this. Two years of consuming myself in pain, in solitude, in memories and hopes and all that has a name, the reason of this bitter-sweet agony: it's you, Hiei, the name of all those things can be resumed just in your name.
Remember this MY fire youkai, MY forbiden child, MY love. I'll be waiting here for you, always; don't doubt for even one second my love for you because that would be the one thing that could finish me. Because I love you, because I need you. I'll wait for you Hiei. I will. Just don't make me wait too long...
~Owari~
'I need your love' is a song of the OVA series 'advance police', I don't own it.